This time of year is always hard for me. From November - February, its the worst. On Thanksgiving my mom and I would always prepare something together (along with the turkey and countless other dishes she’d bring) for our family’s dinner (always at least 50 people). Christmas is hard, for obvious reason. My mom would make everyone feel special. Getting us all gifts she knew we would adore. Bobby was my favorite sibling to shop for. I have 4 and he was the one I was closest too. Both of us sensitve loners who would do anything to make others happy. Now he and my mom aren’t here.

New Years Eve is hard. Its the day my baby cousin Olivia passed away. She was always there for me after my mom and Bob died (her own mother passed away when she was 8, and her dad’s long-time girlfriend when she was just a teenager). Beyond that she was so young, beautiful and full of life it doesn’t seem fair. Everyone in our family has to be taken away too soon (can’t they wait until I die to go?).

January 25th is my mom’s birthday, which is quickly followed by February 27th - when we lost her and our baby brother. Its going to be four years, and it tears me up.

Nobody ever calls or texts me to see how I’m coping. Its like they think I’m fine, or maybe they don’t care. But I’m not doing well. I’m not dealing. I can’t take it. I’m not as strong as everyone thinks I am.

I hide behind this facade. Its my own fault. I should cry more, talk more. But I can’t. I hold everything in, but I think I can say it here.

I was the last person to hear my mom’s voice, and I didn’t try to save her. Instead I ran from my room into the smokey hallway and blindly ran into the front door before getting out on the porch. And it was there I saw my baby brother, only 14, for the last time. AND I DIDN’T STOP HIM FROM GOING IN TO SAVE OUR MOM. It kills me, every fucking day it kills me. Its all my fucking fault. I should of stopped him.

Sometimes I think that, maybe, if I didn’t leave my room. If I stayed in my bed instead, my mom and Bobby would be here now. They’d be fine, and I’d be dead. But it would be so much better that way.

UGH sorry for this. I don’t want pity, or anything of the sort. I just needing to get this off my chest.